New Temporary Voice

Amazing concert last night. Saw Damien Rice live. First album definitely better than the second, but he is an altogether amazing performer. Just got off work. Didn't suck so much. Didn't care as much. Practiced more malpractice. An altogether good day. So wicked insomnia yesterday. Took some of my secret indian stash of benzodiazepines. In India, as in most other countries, you can got to the pharmacy counter (small interlude as I just went searching through my stash of medicines like a junkie lookie for a benzo fix--if I fail to finish this particular monologue just make the assumption that I am sweating, shaking, possibly seizing in a small corner of my apartment as I withdraw--no drugs left) and just ask for what you want. I came back with Klonopin, valium, ativan. No percocet or other opiates. Indians, it would seem, do not take lightly to muscle spasms, but seeemingly, are more allowing to let you writhe in abject pain. I digress.

Lets reexamine the meaning of life, or lack of. Premise is very important. Why am I doing what I am doing? Is my subversive, subconscious benefit ultimately the motivation for all of my actions or can I commit to a truly sacrificial act (or an approximation thereof) for the sake of some other. Why is that we make great compromises for people that we feel are unworthy of such acts. Is it a secret desire to be noticed? loved? thought of? by that person, be it your parents, your siblings, or your significant other? Do I truly give because I genuinely want happiness for another? Or is the real valuation in how the act makes me feel, versus how it makes someone else feel? I'm meandering. This is clearly a topic better addressed on a different level, in a different mind set, on different medication.

Surely don't stay long
I'm missing you now.
It's like I told you
I'm over you somehow
Before I close the door
I need to hear you say goodbye.
Baby won't you change your mind?

Have you every looked back at photos and looked at your past? How distant does it seem? Did it ever really occur? You miss it a bit, but it seems like distant, faint memory. Doesn't hold the same relevance. Old loves, desires, hopes. For better or worse, no longer so relevant. You move forward. You have new loves, desires, hopes. Do you realize that is true at this very moment? The very real, important issues to us now. The reasons we hurt, we struggle, we endure, we hope. How important will they be down the road? You won't even remember them. So then why give such a big flying fuck about what happens today, tomorrow or even the immeadiate future, because it really won't matter much at all in the not too distant future. I really mean that in a good way. Old photos...