This has been a complete weekend of debauchery. I shall apologize for any spelling errors in advance. I am listening to Mazzy Star, Halah. Today we shall discuss insecurity and karmic energies. Namely my insecurity and the reason why I took a big debit out of my karma account. Lets start with the latter. I saw a girl that I had recognized from town while away on vacation. In a narcotic, inebriated, smoke filled haze, I asked her if she knew a friend of mine. She said she did, he was a great guy. And he is a great guy. "He told me he tagged you in the ass," I said, "and that it was really good. I mean this only in the nicest way possible." She was offended. I was quite serious. I think it made her more offended. My friend would have thought this was completely funny. He did, as a matter of fact, tag her in the ass. That night ended with me stealing an inflatable dinosaur out of some hotel guest's garage. Actually, I had also stolen an inflatable lobster from their garage the night before. Some poor four year old is probably crying right now. And yet this was supposed to be a great weekend. I'm driving back home Monday, thinking, is that all it is? You go out and party for a weekend with you best friends, and actually have an amazing time. Yet it feels so unworthwhile in a way. It is very empty out there. So how do we define a meaningful existence. On paper it seems like a great trip.
I was having lunch with a friend and he had an epiphany in therapy. We talked about the need to seek the approval of others. That in needing to seek approval we are covering up our own sense of inadequacy, or our own worthlessness. But I'm taking this further. Seeking approval falls underneath the broader canopy of seeking validation. Why are we significant? Would we be missed? The need for extrinsic validation to define ourselves as being necessary. I want an amazingly beautiful girl on my arm to feel that I am attractive. I need a succcessful carreer to prove that I am intelligent. Either looking for extrinsic validation to prove why I am worthy, or to prove why someone else fucked up by not recognizing that in the first place. Their loss. But never intrinsic validation for my own sense of self, irrespective of others. Is that the basis for self-esteem? Seems ruthless. But is that what separates those with a high sense of confidence and belief in themselves from the have-nots? That they do not need (or need as much) belief from others about themselves. Seems to work that way sometimes. The less interested we are in someone the more intrigued they are about the fact that we have no interest in them. But only if they are already insecure. How do these concepts get instilled in us? The transition from youthful simplicity to overanalysis of self just to make the self somewhat functional. I do believe this occurs at a very young age.
1 comment:
The fact that you recognize that your self esteem and validation come from external sources is important. The problem with relying solely on external sources of validation is that it's never enough and just leaves people wanting more. Always another layer to the onion if you will. So you get the beautiful woman on your arm, you have the high paying job in a very respected field, you drive the nice car, then what? A boat, a condo in St. Thomas, your own airplane? There's always more to want. Society can't determine what makes you happy, only you can do that. Real security, confidence and self esteem come from within. I think there are ways to attain that and to do that requires focusing on things that give YOU a feeling of accomplishment rather than what you think society views as an accomplishment. Hike a mountain, finish the crossword, write a short story, go rock climbing, read a book, take a class, learn a language. All of those things are simple yet offer you the opportunity to feel productive and attain a sense of achievement. Of course weekends of debauchery leave you feeling empty...what have you accomplished? Hanging out with your friends and bonding with them is what was important and that is probably the reason you had a great time. I know this advice was completely unsolicited but sometimes it helps to have another point of view.
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